SHOW AUTHORITY WITHOUT BEING AUTHORITARIAN

            SHOW AUTHORITY WITHOUT BEING AUTHORITARIAN

     Misbehavior is part of being a 3 year old. He is curious, learning and developing with every passing day. His little brain is still struggling to make sense of the world around him and the rules and standards of acceptable behavior. He is not able to understand the rationale behind the rules set by you. He may not have the needed words to communicate his likes, dislikes or desires vocally. Hence, he employs unsafe and challenging behavior to express his feelings. These behaviors are distressing and frustrating for everyone involved and moreover it makes learning, relationships and play difficult for the child.

    Anger spells, tantrums, aggressive behavior, short outbursts are pretty common in many 3 year olds. But it is important to know when things have crossed the red line.

Look for these signs to know if your child is crossing the red line:

·        Frequent and longer tantrums

·        Cranky and angry even outside of the tantrum

·        Difficulty in indulging in co-operative play with other children

·        Aggressive behavior towards other children

·        Breaking and destroying things

How do you handle it?

Do not rush for professional help. Take on the reins and be in control. Give extra kisses and hugs, talk to your child, lend a hearing ear, and read between the lines to understand what disturbs him. Do not give in to his tantrums, unruly behavior and unreasonable demands. If you do so, you make him feel empowered and confident about his misbehavior. But at the same time do not ignore him and let him continue with his disruptive behavior. This will further intensify his anguish.

Distractions: Young children easily steer off from one emotion to the other. As a parent, you may need to experiment the techniques to see what distracts your child’s attention with ease and towards a happy child, such as peek-a-boo or voice modulation or a song or a toy, etc. The list may differ depending on your child’s preferences.

Look for indicators: What is it that triggers such behavior in your child? Is he hungry, is he sleepy, is he tired or is he not happy with a particular person around him or is he simply bored or is stressed due to some family issues? Be flexible and easy going. Tend to your child’s need and calm him.

Set clear expectations: Clear and specific rules followed with a logical explanation of consequences helps the child understand why misbehavior or a risky behavior is not acceptable. For example: hitting other children – set rules and clear expectations when exceeded, the child faces the consequences of his misbehavior.

Childproofing: Avoid unnecessary situations by childproofing the child’s environment. For instance, if your child constantly fidgets with the switch board, then move it to a higher level so that it is beyond his reach; if your child is fond of opening kitchen cabinets and messing up with the contents, then lock these cabinets. These measures help is minimizing confrontations, stress and rows.

Positive feedback leads to reinforcement: Positive feedback and instructions, motivate the child to be at his best behavior. It promotes cooperation than conflict, understanding than criticism. “Why don’t you put away the toys so that we can go to the beach.” or “If you park your bike in the garage, it won’t get dusty if left in the open.” Suggestions help your child to figure out the progression of events in a meaningful way.

Specific communication of your displeasure: Be cautious, your conduct does not imply that you dislike your child. Let your child know that it is one specific behavior that displeases you and not your child.

Teach him with empathy: Teaching empathy will allow your child to step in other’s shoes and think about the consequences. Teach him how he would feel if it was done to him. “When you hit a child, he will cry, it will make him sad and he will not play with you. Soon you will have no friends.” This will help him to see the consequences of his behavior and would act in a responsible manner.

Provide choices: When your child is adamant on a thing, give him choices that would drive his attention towards selecting the best options. This gives him a sense of control and save you from conflict. Rather than ordering him to put the books away in the shelf, give him options, “Which one would you prefer to put away first, Dr. Suess, or The Rainbow Fish?” Keep the choices offered specific, goal-oriented and limited.

Time-out: When all your strategies have been laid to rest, time-outs give you and your child to calm down and he gets the message that negative behavior does not get your attention. Remember that time-outs are in places that are uninteresting, dull and boring away from siblings or friends. It could be a brief time-out away from friends and peers. Keep the disciplinary action light and symbolic. Consistency is the key. The disciplinary action should always be followed and the child gets the message that what was said has been executed. Your child gets the point that your words of caution were not in air but has realistic dimensions. 

Appropriate behavior deserves to be rewarded: When your child is showing signs of improvement, you need to acknowledge his every good behavior and is rewarded. Shower your child with intangible rewards more than tangible stuff. Intangible rewards are verbal praises, smiles, hugs, pats on the back, extra attention, and special privileges such as a walk in the park, extra playtime, etc. Tangible stuff will not be possible every time and may inculcate a habit of being bribed to act in accordance to other person’s wish. These should be rewarded judiciously to show your child you are aware of his good conduct and respectful of his feelings. It gives integrity and credibility to your set expectations.